Dear Jaciara,
Before anything else, I just want to ask if you could please somehow let me know you received this letter. It can be a one-letter text, a thumbs-up emoji, or anything. I would just like to confirm you've received it.
Phone: 267-962-9010Email: lackmanbraydon@gmail.com
You don't have to agree with anything I say, forgive me, or talk to me about any of it. I'll understand.
I've started this letter more times than I can count. Every time I tried, I didn't even know where to begin, so I'm just going to be flat-out honest with you, which is what I should've been from the start.
I went behind your back and talked to my ex without you knowing. When you found out and came to me, I told you straight to your face that it wasn't true. I lied to you. I'm sorry for both, and I'm not trying to escape either one.
I've thought about that moment a lot these past couple of days. You came to me already hurting and gave me the chance to be honest, and I went and added a second betrayal on top of the first. That is, without a doubt, the part I am most ashamed of. Lying to the person who trusted me the most, while she gave me nothing but honesty, is something I can NEVER take back.
I want you to know this too: nothing I did was in any way your fault. You never did anything that made it okay or pushed me into it. You were good to me, you trusted me, you gave me your time and your heart, and I was absolutely careless with all of it. I understand what you feel about me. It is deserved. 1000000000% deserved.
The silence since then has made me face things I'd been avoiding over the past couple of days. I keep thinking about all the good times we had together, from simply spending time with you and doomscrolling on Instagram and TikTok for hours, to going out and having fun at parks or the beach and making lovely memories together. I didn't realize how much moments like those meant to me until I was the sole reason they stopped.
I loved you, Jaciara. I really did, and I still do. That's what makes my stupid decision so hard to look back on. You were one of the best things to happen in my life, and I didn't protect it the way I should've. It took losing you for me to see how much I had, and I hate that it took that.
I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me. The hurt is yours, and in no way mine. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think I walked away unchanged or that I don't understand what I did. I do.
I've learned that being honest only when it doesn't hurt me isn't honesty. I've learned that trust isn't one big thing. It's built in a hundred small moments, and it can be destroyed in one. I've learned that I want to be someone who tells the truth no matter what.
I know saying sorry doesn't fix this, and a letter doesn't earn anything back. If someday you are open to it, I would want to rebuild our trust slowly. Not with big promises or big gifts, but with small, honest things: doing what I say I'll do, being open with you before you ever have to ask, and letting time show you I mean it. However long that could possibly take, I'd be willing.
But that is your choice, not mine. If you need space, take it. If you've already decided that you don't want me in your life, I'll fully understand and respect it. You don't owe me forgiveness. You don't owe me anything.
Whatever you decide, I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're surrounded by people who treat you the way you deserve. I hope what I did never makes you doubt your worth.
I'm sorry, Jaciara. For going behind your back, for lying to your face, and for all the hurt and pain that came from both. You deserved honesty, you deserved loyalty, and you deserved so much better from me. I am truly sorry with my whole, entire, fricking heart.
-Braydon
P.S. I still have loads to work on, and I'm nowhere near the man I want to eventually be. You, Jaciara, were one of the best things to happen in my life, ever. Your smile was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I would do anything to see that smile light up the day again. It will take a very long time to earn that trust back, but there is honestly nothing else in the world I'd want more. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!